ANGST

semua yang aku buat semua tu x betul...aku tak tau la wei...aku rasa apa yang aku wat tu dah ok...tp nape still ada org yg pertikai apa yang aku buat...kenapa tak benarkan aku blajar dari kesilapan aku sendiri...instead of show me everything ...i hate it....bila dah jadi macam ni... semua bnda yang lepas muncul balik dalam otak aku...aku x suka semua bnda ni...tak suka ..i cant cry as much as i want...i dont have anyone to share my pain...biar la kita susah ckit pn asalkan makhluk yang lain x terseksa...biarla dia duk dalam tu brbnding duk dalam sangkar kecik tu..i never have someone that say i understand...where r they when i need my support...where r they when i suceed..where r they..at home...haha ..i'm alone,,,but i guess they just either dont care or just too busy with other distraction..selfish...i dont know...sometimes i also a selfish...but i guess ..i'm hurt with their action...alone when other have their parent waiting n seeing their sucess..i guess i never be the one that they want huh,,,sorry....

EMO

I as a women ..we do always emo..sometimes we cant never explain why we become like this...because this emotion or should i say feeling is a delicate things for us...for me ..i'm emo when i read story or fanfic that are well develop and sometimes mood time baca tu stay dengan aku sampai la aku baca cerita lain plak...ikut ar klu happy ..happy la aku hari tu tapi klu genre angst ..haha BEWARE DONT COME CLOSE...right now aku terasa moody gila bila dark besar tu balik n feeling neglected..hmm macam x ja...more too...on the edge to become green eyed monster...huhu bnda ni x boleh sjak dari zaman sekolah dulu...but rationally..dia balik pn bukan selalu..so biar la kan..yah enough with that..back to me

uploading my life

k since last sept or should i say this june..i am the officially the caretaker of my lil brother...i dont mind about that..but sometimes when you dont have much friend and ur close friend is busy and ur classmate continue their study..u feel a bit lonely...plus with no income ..i cant go anywhere...i feel trapped..boring..i have to be careful the way i talk with other...i'm feeling too tired..i need someone to lend me their shoulder for me to cry on..for me to say everything that have happen to my life..for me to say what other have say to me..their hurtful glance..their harmful whisperer..the one that i have to faced every time with  a smile.. :) the one that i have to think fast to create a white lie..my heart feel heavy with all this sort of things..its not like i dont love my brother but sometime i need a break too..but i realize my lil bro need me more than i need other people...i have to accept it..

matlamat yang tidak mempunyai goal

hmm ...nampak lain kn entry aku...actually...otak aku sekarang tgh berselirat.  WHY..its becoz...i have been thinking i have done nothing in this past year..well its almost a year since my education ended..not that i did not try to find a job ..i did...but as the planing goes along with time ...nothing work out...and i just stuck here in home...its pretty scary to face the real world..rather than the comfort world...ntah ar wei..dgn adik aku sat demam..sat sihat...aku payah nk p cari kerja...ngan nk sambung belajar lagi...dgn money prob lagi...adoii...yeah nmpak sangat la x bersyukur tu...no it just like this...aku malu ...bila aku x leh wat apa-2 tuk tlg family aku selain dari tlg jaga adik aku...aku klu boleh nk menyumbang sikit fulus kat depa...bkn aku nk kata adik aku penyebab nya cuma..aku just malu bila x berkerja ni..n risau la gak...whatever happen to my lil bro ...he is not the reason to whatever happen to me...so skrang aku still pikiar lagi la ...x dak ka job yang aku boleh wat kat umah...ye la ..sesambil kerja tu tgk adik aku ka...nak niaga x dak modai la plak...aish...ntah ar wei...let it flow with the time and current...and by the way...sementara aku cari kerja yg x dapat ni...aku terasa nk belajar hiragana la or tulisan jepun..ye la most of romaji bahasa jepun aku dah tau...just belajar word dia yg simple ja....at least aku tambah aku nya knowledge kat situ kan...whatever happen...i must move on and keep calm and work out my relationship with HIM...still not going to work out...ashamed...n my resolve is not very firm right now...i try restraint myself but it only hold for just a few weeks...i am such a bad person...

HOSPI....HOSPI

Aish ...once again...hospital....adik masuk hospi lg...masuk bkn masuk besa....masuk wad kena tahan...dekat 2 minggu dah tingai kt hospital...dah la time dia masuk tu sehari lg nk puasa...tp mmg hidup aku time tu x tentu hala...nk kna masak sahur...lpaih tu seterika bju mak ayah...jga adik pulak.....tp mmg minggu first mmg takut gila....walaupun x seteruk masa dia kna infection hari tu...but still truk jugak ...my friend sorang pn x tau...aku x bgtau langsung....minggu tu...abg blik umah tgk adik...kmi sama-2 post status trsirat yg hnya kmi yg faham....saling lke...post memasing...mmg time sedih gila...adik pn 2 min skali dia jd tarik dia....sapa x takut....tiap kali doc mai wat rotation aku akn bgtau bnda yg betui...sometimes minggu tu mmg mrh kt doc ngan nurse yg jga ngan yg bg ubat kt adik....slh sikit...kmi mrah.....tp bkn mrah apa pun...just ketegur...ja....ada minggu tu time jga adik yg dia jd selang 2 min...aku x brani nk tinggai adik lama- 2...unless dia tdo then its fine....sampai la nurse or doc or sedara aku mai bru aku p toilet....then masuk minggu ke 2bru...la mcm ok...ckit...time tu minum pakai feeding tube....jarum...ntah brapa kali kna cucuk...smpai bengkak habis tgn adik aku...n everytime nurse bg ubat aku akn tnya dia ubat apa n untuk apa...salah...aku suh p tgk blik report doc...aku ngan family mmg mcm tu......ye la slh mkn ubat lg truk...kn susah lak...now bransur pulih la...mkn blh dah mcm besa.....mkn aktif dah...nk trun...nk brjalan....la ni...kmi satu family bukak puasa kt hospi....its lonely when you break fast alone now...its mybe gonna take 2 days for adik to discharge

MY EVENTFUL GRADUATION DAY...I UNDERSTAND

orait let me start with first storyy of the week.. Ok minggu lepas la..aku menjalani istiadat konvokesyen...hehe i am officially graduate .. tapi sebelum tu mai nak cita ...minggu tu dimulakan ngan tragedi luka berdarah...tau pasai apa...jari ku luka terhiris dek pisau..dah la dok rumah seseorang ..darah dah mencurah sikit gila banyak..aku dah takut klu jari aku terputus terus...ka terkena kat salur darah utama ka...tapi nasib baik berbekalkan ilmu first aid yg ada kat aku ..akhirnya darah berhenti gak...terpaksa ar apply pressure yg bnyk sambil tahan sakit...hmm 15 minit gak la bru berhenti..aku pun dalam keadaan terkejut sbb well bila ang dah lama x tgk darah tetiba darah keluar mana hala ntah kan..x ke terasa cam nak pengsan...mybe sbb aku tgk darah aku cair semacam ja... warna merah  x terang pn klu terang tu means dia bwk oxyhaemoglobin klu x silap aku...well pendek cerita...nk rawat diri sendiri mmg susah sbb... diri ang akan berbelah bahagi...satu part nk selamatkan ko..satu part lagi takutnya..sakitnya...time ni sifat manja nk mak tu pun muncul....hah berlagak tough la sangat kan... pastu atas nma mercy kt diri sendiri mula la wat proses disinfect tu pun lalukan ja alcohol pad tu..seb baik ayah ada alcohol pad...balut la jari tu..tapi time tu cuba gak gerakkan jari kut-2 la aku x boleh rasa urat aku ka..seb baik boleh...hehe balut tapi nmpaksangat wat separuh hati sbb x berani lawan diri...huhu...k now to the next paragraph

esok tu pulang la ku ke rumah ketiga ku...which is arau...yup guys back to arau...aku ngan family pi sehari awai...senang x mau trafik jam ngan tak mau rush...tp kan pakai GPS pun sosat jugak...cadangnya x bgtau nk pi umah kawan ayah ..ikut ja jln nk ke kangar cam besa...x pa la....mlm first tu 2 orang kawan ayah aku mai ke homestay kmi sewa...well cam besa golongan mak n bapak bersembang ..yang anak-2 ni dok diam ja la...tapi aku x dok diam ja.. telinga pasang gak...tapi nk sembang apa ngan anak kawan ayah...kecik lagi kot depa ni...aku yg paling besar rasanya...huhu x pa ...lupa plak ptg tu, kmi pi kuala perlis..cari ikan bakar nk makan...aku dok ja dalam keta sbb adik payah nak turun...bagi kesempatan mak ngan ayah rasa angin kuala perlis...hari kedua tu hari reheasal la..pi kat u ngan x tentu arah nk hala pi mana pun aku tak tau...jumpa ngan kawan sekelas lama n then well just go with the flow...kmi pun p la reheasal tu n tgk camna cara betui nk terima penganugerahan....fuh besa ja la kan...k pastu mlm tu la dok tahan mengantuk dok tunggu kawan ayah aku nk mai melawat...seb baik dia sampai gak...sembang borak-2 dia tanya macam-2 aku pun jawab ja la...mummy dah tido dah time tu...tapi ada satu cerita nope bkn cerita la lbh kurang cam topik ar...pasai sejarah kita ...mungkinkah sejarah kita ni mungkin telah di twist kan sendiri oleh pemimpin terdahulu...ini hanya spekulasi....kenapa kita x guna sejarah islam dalam mengenali sejarah...kenapa kita perlu belajar bermacam sejarah...sometimes aku terasa macam ada 2 zaman ...zaman inggeris dan zaman islam...time blajar sejarah dulu la...sometimes kita ni terlalu percaya dengar apa yang kita dengar dan x terfikir betuika semua ni...time aku dgr kawan ayah aku kata camtu..aku pun terfikir...hmm mungkin betui jugak ...sejarah kita mungkin telah di putar belitkan....ntah la depa ja yg boleh jawab...nk tau lbh lanjut kaji n wat research ..bru puas...

jeng jeng...hari konvo tersebut....fuh pepagi lagi aku dah bgn lagi awai dari jiran sblh homestay aku...kwan seklas jugak...mandi...siap semua tu ..tapi aku terfikir punya la payah nak bergaya ngan tudung...waa first time aku stylekan tudung aku...simple ja tapi mak aih berpeluh gak la aku nk siap..tu aku x boh make up ka apa ka... bru wat style tudung tu ....huhu jadi gak la...tapi depa x tegur pun ...nmpak sama ja kot...setelah siap semua ha ...berkumpui kat podium and berbaris masuk dewan...mak nervous siot...tapi x pa dah lepas dah pun ...sesambil tunggu giliran nk naik stage...sesambil kekawan mintak autograph...haha kmi dapat buku konvo tu so gunakan ngan sebaik mungkin...tapi aku dapat 4 ja...x sempat yang lain...ha saat nama aku dipanggil..aku berjalan dengan pernuh tertib x tersadung ..fuh selamat...tapi kena tahan jap ngan canselor tu...berikut adalah perbualan aku ngan dia..C canselor A tu aku k
C: dah kerja?
A: err belum
C: kamu ambik bidang apa?
A: saya ambik sains
C: sains banyak sains...major kamu?
A: fizik...
maa bila masa aku major dalam fizik daa...dia ingat aku sambung degree ka apa...x pa la...jalan turun...cam besa ar ...senyum ja..sampai ja kat tempat duduk tadi ..aku terkilan n sedih sebab mak n ayah x tengok pun aku naik stage...huhu sedih gila..orang lain semua pakat ada mak bapak tangkap gambar...cam tu aku..feh...walaupun aku faham tapi aku nk gak even sorang dari parent aku tunggu n berasa happy ngan aku ...bergedik ambik gambar ngan hadiahkan bunga ka apa ka...bab hadiah tu aku x kisah...just i wish they were there....sakit hati...sebak...sbb org lain ada someone else to celebrate graduation day dgn depa...aku seseorang ja...feeling time ni sama ngan time aku terima sijil tuk kecemerlangan PMR aku...aku berharap sangat mak ka dapat tgk aku...pernah janji klu aku sambung blajar lagi...aku x kan mai sesorang dah...aku akan usaha sampai depa leh mai n duduk gak dalam dewan tu ...i just want that...that was the worst feeling ...if and only of ..i manage to continue my degree then during my graduation day i want they to be there ...right there..if they cant make it...its better if i did not attend at all...

aku faham sebab apa depa x boleh ...aku faham sebab adik...tapi how can i say this...my family sometimes i feel too unemotional... sigh...its my family what can i do...i just hope one of them can make it...waiting for me ...pasrah ...kecewa...faham...i know...i did not blame my lil brother...never mind its in my heart..for my own references...tapi x pa la depa dah teman aku mai arau...its more than enough...

pre konvo..

Nanim and Aku..

sekian ja la...

ragam manusia

hmmm ..quite sedih gak la hari ni ..sbb ..ok camni...hrni ada akikah anak sedara aku so kmi satu family pi la...n then mai la my realtive sembang-2 ...then trkeluar pasai kmi nk p perlis minggu ni...so my aunt say sambung blajar lagi ka...aku muka cuka ...HA HA HA tidak la mak cik ooi...pastu ayah masuk lak...haritu dapat tawaran tak mau pi sepa ntah...aku dlm hati"WHAT bukan aku dah habaq dah ka sepa aku x terima tawaran tu..." hmm pastu ayah tmbh lagi takut x dapat yg lain la...n dia forgot apa yg aku dapat ...i got fizik...la..lepaih tu termasuk lakk bab aku x kerja ....ooh my jd la  bahan kena gelak sat sbb ..keja seminggu ja pastu blah..huhu sedih kena gelak ngan depa ni...at that time aku realize depa yg...pengangur ni x dak nilai di hadapan mereka yg berkerja hanya layak jd bahan lawak ja ka...ye la dah x sambung blajar..x kerja plak tu...adoi ii...aku sememamngnya nk cr kerja tp semua yg fix hour tu semua nk yg permannent n aku pelik ayah ni nk aku cr kerja tp x pernah nk suggest kat aku ...lost without guide..from there i have made a lot conclusion about man in general...first of all they do not pay attention to those who seem to need them...terpaksa aku pekakkan telinga dengar kata mereka yang memandang rendah ...pastu dok paksa aku yg tu la yg ni la...suh ambik yg tu la yg ni la...aku penat ...cuba bg aku guide yg betui..jgn dok bg yg terhuyung hayang cam ni...sori aku punya post kali ni mmg nmpak cam x bersyukur sangat la kan tp ..aku frust bila slalu kena bnding ngan abang aku ngan cousin aku...as some of my friend know aku ni mmg jenis yg pendam semua sendiri..rahsia yg aku simpan sendiri yg aku hanya bg general summary ja ..but the pain is still there...aku nk org faham yg aku ni...nope this is not right ...i want my parent and my closest friend to listen to my heart wailing crying screaming to be heard ..i just want you to shut up and listen to me once a while....aku bukan berniat nk kutuk sesapa ka...just i dont have any other medium to let my frustation out..my friend are busy with their work ...mom and dad shhhhh......hmmm SORRY....GOMENASAI...MAAF....that it ...

PERANGAI

nak tau satu benda ....aku x tau nk gelak or kesian kat org yg kena tanya mcm-2 pasai upu...mcm-2 dark spm ni tnya..dr kategori sampai ke la cra nk isi...admin tu sabar je la lyn karenah depa ni...tapi aku ada baca satu entri budak ni ..emm nope bkn budak dia sebaya ngan aku...dia kata ada junior dia tnya apa yg dia nk wat lpas spm...lpas pnjang lebar explaination dia tu..dia gtau gak ang kena wat apa yang ang suka...yg pasti nk mintak sbrang kerja or nak wat apa pun kena la fikir betui-2....tapi bila tgk budak-2 spm ni dok tnya macam-2 aku jd meluat lak sbb maklumat terbentang depan mata depa just kena pandai cari ja...but then teringat zaman aku ..lagi la x dak apa...nk isi borang tu pun  x berapa reti...but selepas colabration ngan kwn aku leo..bru selesai isi sgala bnda tu...no for me they kind of malas nk baca sgala dokumen n peringatan yang pihak bpkp sediakan...for me brapa kali aku ulang baca syarat dia..yg mana aku x faham aku tnya ayah aku ...ayah siap pesan lagi ang nk isi dokumen ka borang ka apa ka..baca dulu syarat dia bg faham habis- habisan..mmg berguna ..x la aku terasa macam gelap jalan...at least ada guide light sikit kan...but still they are learning...like how i used to be full of question how...hehe its been 7 years after my first isi upu now is my second time to further my study in degree..hopefully i sucess and ada la course yg aku dapat...by the way i got many universiti application need to be seen to ..let it be finish this week..

so my bro finally decide nk sambung degree dia tu...fuh at last...dh ilang dah kot keraguan dia tu..well maybe since he is the first born his worry about our family is much greater than me...but for me i just used to like 'lagi jauh lagi aku suka'... mean aku mmg suka dok jauh-2 ...tp bila dah kena skali bru ang tau..padan muka aku waktu tu..but still aku x kisah belajar p la pun kat mana...ok back to him..when he decide to further his study ..he asked me can another person go and buy pin number..i like ..emm no coz i buy it myself..but when think back it ok la kot...org lain p beli kat dia...sbb dia ni outstation p kelantan 2 minggu...tu pasai dia tanya aku...adoi...so i think i will ask the person in charge if other person can buy it for him...hopefully it will end well

dia ni pun satu dah dekat last minute ru nk gtau nk sambung...aish dah la apply sama taun ngan aku...but i guess it fine as later we dont feel annoyed with each other..dont know...but he is someone that u can relay on..so i gonna help him further his study...

UPDATING MY LIFE

nmpak pelik x title tu...mmg pun...aku sekarang dlm proses menaik taraf hidup aku yg menjadi pengangur bertauliah ni...aish rasa malu lak ngan manusia yg dok tanya aku kerja apa...ye la dah la x sambung study ..x keja ...cam na tu..tapi dengan dia aku x reti nk malu...adooi mana ilang dah rasa malu tu...rasa takut aku kat dia,...ok by the way tahun ni bnyk gila benda aku nk buat
1. cr kerja
2. simpan duit
3. ambik lesen kereta
4. sambung belajar
5. ligan cita-2 aku / impian
bagi orang lain ..ni macam to do list yang biasa tp bg aku ni to do list aku yg paling besar n berat...yang aku kena pekakkan telinga n sabar all the way...terpaksa tanguh minat aku...the big word is sacrifice my pleasure 4 the benefit of the future..so that my kind of azam i guess

I HATE HIM SO MUCH

this entries was gonna be posted while  i am  busy getting angry at him...yeah this happen a lot..well guess what he called me stupid...damn ...i hate him...since when i followed his order willingly...yeah i shut up...the food untouched..i cried so hard bcoz i never thought he going to say that ...but then he say the worst to me..he call me setan in other word devil...hmm 2 or 3 times already...i shut up bcoz i know i will be sick if i fight with him...but sometimes i just want to kick his ass off...haha serves him right...well bcoz i can't do it in reality..i guess here is fine...lets not forget he is my brother..the one that i thought i can respect and be cool with him...naah he just dont like me as i dont like him either..so its fair n square..sometimes i wish i dont have big bro like him but then ..he try to help me in his own way...oooh i wish we are just like any other sibling ..who r close enough to know about each other...but no...we are more like enemy..arch enemies more likely...yeah we also sometimes drive our parent crazy with our act...i cant stand him as much as he cant stand seeing me...there will always a displeased look upon our faces..we are competitive...i get jealous easily...he always complain..much more than me...yeah that basicly why i hate him...just a minor hurt in the heart....i totally hate him so much ....some time

HLOVATE

Hlovate is a writer that i know through her work...aku tau karya dia time kawan aku dok sibuk mencari novel tulisan dia...aku pun wonder ..apa yang best sangat ngan hlovate ..nk jd kn cerita aku pun beli la buku hlovate ni..n my friend have a little bit jealous coz i buy it without telling her..cause she been looking for that book..well Hlovate's book actually quite popular that as soon as it announce on web well it will be gone in a blink of eyes... sejak dari haritu aku selalu beli buku dia... tp aku x follow blog dia...just waiting for her book..i like the way she write...selamba, ringkas, n she told story about slice of life.. most of karya dia aku rasa amat dekat dgn diri aku sbb aku pun mcm tu dulu...cuma aku masih belum punya mereka yg boleh menegur aku..aku cuba ubah diri aku namun x berjaya...aku bukan la budak skater or any  of her character..aku cuma mempunyai perasaan yg hampir sama ketika membaca tulisan dia...karya dia yg paling dekat dgn aku adalah rooftop rant + versus..aku yg dulu sunyi n pemberontak, senyap , kena buli, semua parut lama ni masih terjahit kemas dalam hati aku ...parut yg x mungkin aku lupakan ...parut yg aku cuba nk baiki tp x blh...aku masih lagi mencuba..harapnya aku berjaya la kali ni...
OK la ..adoi wat luahan perasaan plak..k just nk gtau harini aku bru ja purchase ANTHEM from HLOVATE..x baca lagi but just tgk cover dia n sinopsis ngan her dedication n also her message kind of..aku ni boleh dikatakan peminat setia dia la jugak ...asal nmpk nma dia ja ha...x tgk kiri kanan dah ..trus sambar buku tu ..pasai apa kau suka buku dia sbb..dia cerita mengenai perubahn hidup seseorang dari x kenal TUHAN sampai kenai la ...perubahan n bnda yg depa kena sekat untuk berubah ...aku nk jd org yg mcm tu yg akan stay ngan perubahan dia sampai bila-2 ...yg hatinya tetap disisi pencipta..i wish to be a better person in both of my world...here is a pic of her new novel

sorry gambar x memuaskan...